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So's Your Old Man

“You’re a racist, Spike!”

“Am not, you prat.”

“Are, too.”

“Am not!”

“Are, too!”

“What makes you think I’m a bloody racist?”

“Happy Meals With Legs? You think all humans are nothing more than food, hence you’re a racist.”

“Oi! And what about you with the ‘slay first and ask questions later’ bit? You think all demons are nothing more than mindless, violent killers. “

“Do not! Hello? Anya?”

“Who you shush every time she wants to talk about her demon-y past.”

“I notice you aren’t pointing out any humans you actually like.”

“Hey, I’ve shagged plenty of humans!”

“Without draining them afterwards?”

“Well, no, but…”

“That makes my point.”

“And I notice you conveniently forgot my point about Anya.”

“Which was?”

“That you don’t let Anya ever discuss her demon side.”

“But those stories are gross!”

“See? You’re a racist!”

“Why is it racist if I don’t want to hear about men’s penises exploding?”

“And why is it racist if sex makes me hungry?”

They sat in uncomfortable silence: Spike because the thought of his penis exploding actually did make him ill and Xander because he, too, got very hungry after sex. But neither of them was willing to concede that the other wasn’t racist.

Xander opened his mouth to start all over again and Spike decided he’d had enough. This wasn’t getting them anywhere and, frankly, he was getting bored with it. There were only two ways to shut the moron up and Spike had no Twinkies, so…

“Spike, you’re…mffffg.”

Xander had been about to make a point, an excellent one, when speech suddenly became very difficult…because Spike’s tongue was in his mouth. It was a cool tongue, but not at all unpleasant and Xander suddenly realized that Spike was excellent at this debate stuff. He was becoming more convinced each second that demons weren’t half bad, even when they were being really demonic…like now, with the hands joining the discussion…and oooh…that’s enough, brain. Time to shut down now. Ahhh…that’s better.

Spike would have patted himself on the back, but his hands were doing something far more worthwhile. Oh. The boy really needed to wear tighter jeans…he’d been hiding some pretty worthy qualities all this time. And you know, Xander had a point. There might be something to humans after all. Maybe he hadn’t given them a fair shake up to now. Time to remedy that, eh? After all, it’s not like he could drain Xander once they were done, and he might well be worth more than one tumble. “Mmm,” he moaned as Xander’s hands found their way to his own much more properly-showcased assets. Maybe arguing with the boy wasn’t so bad.

The End.
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